The Green Room

This place was so bad that although we booked for two nights we left after one. The high rating this place receives is from its restaurant, NOT its rooms. It looks pretty from the outside, but you are then led through the nice bits to a hovel out back. Your room is accessed by the bins through an old rotting door. Our three-person room was tiny, to open our suitcases someone had to leave the room because there wasn't enough space for cases and people! Even though we booked in as three there was only enough “breakfast” for two, by breakfast I classify what was found in the fridge, a bag of items that seemed to have been randomly selected from a local bin. A small orange, a yoghurt pot and a chocolate croissant with a use by date of August 2098. Oh, and there was nothing to eat the yoghurt with, perhaps the bins were running short that day. The décor of the place is old and faded, the lady in the painting had only one leg, a metaphor for the half-arsed attempt at making guests comfortable. Or maybe the duration of sleep you will get that night, because through the threadbare sheets the owners have kindly not changed the mattress in decades so that you can count every spring in the mattress through your flesh as a proxy for sheep. Sadly, it didn’t work, and if you want to sleep on a chair look again, there isn’t one, and don't be tempted to sit down on the mattress too quickly if you value the bottom of your spine. The bedside cabinets were broken and so scratched and old, they barely retained any of their original black. Perhaps it was that black, which had found its way into the carpet that was so stained it made the Turin Shroud seem modern, any archaeologists might consider bringing their carbon dating equipment if they choose (poorly) to visit. The black-mould ridden bathroom had a toilet that flushed so poorly it struggled with the one-ply paper let alone anything more substantial; also the extractor fan didn't work, ironic given that the fan in the room above colluded with the mattress to keep me awake as it hummed through the paper-thin walls half the night. How this place claims to be 4-star is based on a certificate published in 2014, don't be fooled, they haven't cleaned it since. If this place had one redeeming feature, it was the power of the shower, unfortunately even that was not strong enough to wash off the disappointment at having stayed here.